Unwritten Signals: Part 1

I just finished the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why…it’s a pretty hot commodity as of lately. If you plan on watching it, I wouldn’t read this paragraph any further. It’s the story of Hannah Baker, a high school junior that takes her life. She leaves behind a set of 13 cassette tapes and on them is each reason to why she kills herself and the people responsible. There’s rumors, stalkers, Best/Worst lists, and teenagers being teenagers. It gets extremely intense, I almost couldn’t finish it, but I did. Literally 15 minutes ago and it inspired me to write this post. Though it was a great watch, this is not a review. 
This is my story. 
Most people know me as a pretty laid back, fun, carefree person. I’ve learned to handle things pretty well, but I wasn’t always this strong. It all started when I was in middle school. My 7th grade year to be more specific. I was thrown into a brand new school after being homeschooled since 3rd grade. I didn’t know anyone in the area, I didn’t know what to expect from class. They basically just told me to get out there and I fell flat on my face. It’s different starting at a new school in elementary, I did it plenty of times, but kids that age hadn’t developed the sense of judgement yet so it was a lot easier to transition into. Middle school is a totally different story. 6th through 8th grade is the cesspool of self definition. Young guys and girls alike are at the age where they begin to feel physical attractions to people and to look for who they’re suppose to be in life and they go through a lot of different phases to do so. Some discoveries are a lot smoother than others. Mine was one of the rougher ones. 

2nd semester of 7th grade; I was the new kid. An awkwardly dressed tomboy who knew absolutely nobody. My first class was Texas History with Mrs. Bishop and I swear that woman hated me. The class was set up in groups of four. I sat in the one closest to the door. There’s only one person I can clearly remember that was in my group, let’s call him Nate*. Acne ridden face, braces, spoke like his voice came from the back of his throat. He had his good days and bad days, mostly bad, but whatever. I was just trying to make friends. He always had a side comment to say about me, whether is was about how I dressed, my hair, the dog tags I wore…it was like open season every period we had together. This is when I began to develop my shit talking skills. I never wanted anyone to know they hurt my feelings, so I always tried to hurt them back. It was method of coping with who I was surrounded by. Along with Nate was Angelica*, a black girl who couldn’t have weighed more than 90lbs, she always chimed in with him. She didn’t know me from Adam but I guess that was their amusement to distract them from their own lives. She was loud and obnoxious, her specialty to keep eyes on her at all times. She would tell me that nobody liked me, that I was ugly, and many other hateful things that did a lot of damage to my soul. They never knew that though, I’ve always been great at putting on a show. 

It wasn’t until I would get home that I would break. I would lose myself in music and books which was my alternative to crying. It was easier to cover up than trying to dry your eyes if someone walked into the room. You never really notice how much words can hurt a person. In elementary we’re all taught “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Well they’re very wrong and will continue to be to keep the sensitivity to a minimum in schools. It only take the right words to ruin a persons being. Luckily, it wasn’t me, but there are people out there not as strong and able as me and that’s exactly why I’m here. Don’t read this assuming I’m on this 13 Reasons kick and I’m forcing to relate. I’m 25 years old, the last thing I need to be worried about doing is finding a way to relate my actual life to a tv series. Also don’t read this as a cry for attention, I’m well off and 100xs stronger than I ever was back then. Now I’m just finally woman enough to put my story into the world because I’ve realized that I could probably help at least one person just by giving someone out there the thought of knowing that they’re not in this alone. 

There will be a series of posts that in the end will complete my story up to where I am currently. The names in these posts have been changed to provide them the privacy they deserve. I have no hateful feelings towards anyone mentioned these blogs. This is the first time I’ve ever made myself this publicly vulnerable and I pray that it pays off. You might have to bear with me because things do get graphic, but like I tell everyone. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. Thank you for the read💜
– Brittnea


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